Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I've been a bit MIA lately, not for any physical reasons.  Everything is going pretty well, in fact.  The gestational diabetes is being controlled by diet, I got my Rhogam shot, baby boy is measuring perfectly, and I'm now seeing my OB every 2 weeks.  He has a name, a crib, a bassinet, lots of clothes, books, a car seat.  Physically, we're getting ready.

However, things are emotionally difficult for me right now as the anniversary of the births and deaths of our twins is coming swiftly.   I actually scheduled a Labor/Delivery Tour at my hospital with my husband and a good friend and her husband for February 5.  I only today put it together that it will mark one year to the day that our first son Jonah was born and died, and the awful rollercoaster week that ended with the birth and death of his brother Noah.  As of right now I am keeping the appointment, since I really do want the tour.  Despite being there for a week I have no clue what anything was like.  I have NO idea how I will react.  If I run into one of the nurses (especially Louann, who delivered Noah herself and was SO amazing and motherly to me) I will most definitely lose it... (EDIT: Louann was there and assisted in the emergency c/s delivery of Isaac.  Creepy!).  There are just WAY too many memories there.  On one hand, I feel if I go it will desensitize me a little so when I do deliver our take-home baby, I may hurt a little less.  I'm SO terrified that I'm going to give birth to this son and not want to hold him because I'll be painfully reminded of the ones I didn't get to bring home.

I feel torn.  I should be excited, yet I'm having days where I'm perfectly content to lay in bed and cry.  I'm just really conflicted right now.  That's the most I can say about it.  I'm not going to try to analyze it, I'm just going to feel it.  I'm certain other baby-loss moms out there totally understand me.

I've been really bad about the weekly check-ins lately, so here it is for 29w5d (today):

How far along? 29w5d, a squash, I believe.  He should be a little over 3 lbs.

Weight gain/loss: 10-12 depending on the scale

Sleep? IIt's getting more uncomfortable and bathroom trips are not bringing as much relief as they previously were!
Best moment this week? Watching my stomach move and twist.  A few days ago Keith was on the laptop, I was reading, and the dogs were at the foot of the bed sleeping.  All of a sudden, little man started jerking and twitching and started shaking a KING size bed and all it's occupants.  He's a strong one!!!!

Movement: So much, and he's been punching the same spot over and over again.  His head was near my belly button facing to the right, so his hands are punching my right side, and something is simultaneously hitting my left hip.  I feel like he's running in place all the time!  He's going to be high energy that's for sure.
Food cravings: Turkey sandwich with "dog cheese" (Kraft singles, we use it to give the dogs their meds) and mayo with a Diet Dr P.  Also, ice cream with peanut butter and Hershey's syrup.  Those have been what I look forward to most each day.

What I miss? I hate this question. <-- Still the same

What I am looking forward to? Baby shower on January 29!

Milestones: He has SUCH an amazing chance at survival now.  We are scheduling the c/s at my next appt in a week (either March 18 or 25, depending on my OB's Spring Break schedule (yes)) and I have an appt with a pediatrician next Friday!  It really is happening.
What I'm nervous about: Nothing yet...

1 comment:

  1. You took the thoughts right out of my head. I get my TAC in a month and then we will be TTC but I am already thinking about how I will feel when I do become pregnant again. Like you said, will I not want to hold the baby because it will bring me back to the time when I lost my boys? I have thought about not going to the same hospital but in all honesty, the nurses and staff were great to me and took care of our boys and really, I will feel the same regardless of the hospital.

    I'm rambling now. I just want you to know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))