October 15 - Wave of Light

At 7 pm in their local time zones, people across the world will be lighting the night with candles to remember babies who were gone too soon.  In my small circle of the world, I know of many babies who were lost before they were named, were born without breath, were born too soon with no chance of survival, or were only on earth for a short time. I will take the time to try to list all the babies I can think of whose stories and memories touched my life, and I will be thinking of them especially today.

My Noah and Jonah
Caleb
Aidan
Avery, Alexander and Triplet C
Baby S
Baby Tx3
Aurora
Christian
Baby W
Baby Squirt
Avery
Jillian
Baby B
Ella
Olivia
Oliver
Liliana
Luke
Seamus
Noah
Ryan
Thor
Baby M
Keely
Evelyn
Grace
Jonathan
Adrian
Gabe
Daniella
Emi

Want to see my cervix? Of course you do!!!

Okay, the first picture is of the TAC.  The arrows are pointing to it, and it shows as a glowing band.  The weird pear looking thing to the right of the arrows is my cervix.  It's long and closed!  The weird lumpy thing to the left surrounded by fluid is the baby's head.  Sooo... since the baby is so close to my cervix, I can ONLY imagine what things would look like without the TAC holding everything in place.



















This second photo is of my cervical length.  At this exact point with the twins, my cervix was 2.5 cm.  It measured at 4.22 cm today, which is a normal length!!!!!!!!!  The white dotted line is the length of the cervix.

Plan of Attack!!!!!

I had my bi-weekly checkup today and baby looks great.  I noted that I felt some hard lumpiness near the outer edge of the top of my uterus, almost near my hip.  My OB confirmed that it was close enough to my incision that she feels confident in my assessment that it is scar tissue from the surgery already building up.  Totally not a big deal, but I won't say it didn't freak me out when I felt it last week!!!

Our plan of attack is unfolding to ensure I make it tto 38 weeks:

1) Weekly 17P shots.  My insurance won't cover a weekly home health nurse to come in JUST to do a shot, so they will come in 2 times.  The first time, the nurse will give me the shot while teaching K how to do it.  He will then be watched during the second visit to make sure he does it right.  The insurance will send us the shot supplies via mail order pharmacy so we'll have them on hand.  I'm terrified that he's going to be in charge of giving me an intramuscular shot each week.  I better not piss him off!!!!

2) Bi-weekly cervical length ultrasounds.  My sonographer has been SPOILING ME rotten and giving me full-on ultrasounds every other week.  I don't think she's supposed to, but I love her for doing it!!!!

3) Daily contraction monitoring through the phone line at my home!!  When the home health nurse company called and explained this, I thought it was so cool!  She said they will come out with a Vonage box (we already have one) and hook this machine up to the phone line.  I will attach the monitor to my stomach for 1 hour two times per day and it transmits the data to their "corporate" office that is monitored 24/7 by a nursing staff.

What a world we live in today!  Without my bionic cervix, fertility scientists, sonograms, and high speed internet, I would never be able to a) get pregnant or b) probably ever give birth to a live baby.  I'm so thankful that God has put people on this Earth to provide us with such abundance!!!

Here's what our Baby thinks of all this (taken today):

1 month since TAC surgery!

How am I feeling?  I am still moving slowly but not nearly as incapacitated.  It's more like, I can't just jump right up out of bed, but I don't do that when I'm pregnant anyway.  I haven't gotten into daily walking yet, but that's out of sheer laziness.  My incision doesn't hurt at ALL but just feels a little sensitive.  I find myself protecting the area when the dogs are around in case they accidentally step or put pressure on me.  Sadie likes to lay beside me on the bed but she roots her head around on my stomach.  Not that it would hurt, but it's creepy.

Other than moving slowly, I'm feeling pretty good!

Weekly Check-In

How far along? 15w, an orange!
Weight gain/loss: -2; it's creeping back up!
Sleep? Sleeping well!
Best moment this week? Feeling movement!
Movement: Yes, feeling some rolling and moving, but no kicks or punches yet
Food cravings: food sucks!!!!  :(
What I miss? waking up without vomiting first thing.
What I am looking forward to? Ultrasound on October 12 - we should know the gender!
Milestones: baby is moving!
What I'm nervous about: Nothing this week. Keeping calm.

Overwhelmed (in a good way)!

Maybe it's because October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and October 15 is the day where we can all come out and support one another in our loss and our hope, or maybe I'm just feeling extra fuzzy right now.

I've come to realize, thanks to the amazingness of the internet, that there are so many amazing, strong, fabulous women out there who have gotten the TAC in order to give themselves the absolute BEST chance in keeping their babies in for the long haul.  Lara, Marie, Alyson, Sara to name four - all fighters who made the sacrifice of pain, blood, sweat and tears to ensure future hope.

I'm overwhelmed by what the TAC can do.  I'm awestruck by what it HAS done.  I want to shout it from the rooftops, and I want every woman who even has an inkling of cervical issues to have it done.  I have to walk a fine line between being obnoxious about it and being too mum.  I want to share with women, but unfortunately, the only way they know about their cervical issues is when it's too late.  Everyone reacts differently to the hurt that follows.  I wanted education, I wanted to read stories like my own, I wanted an answer, and I wanted HOPE that it wouldn't happen again.

So, if you're out there reading this after a loss from cervical insufficiency, I hope you've learned about a surgery that DOES give hope.

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Weekly Check-In

How far along? 14w, a lemon!
Weight gain/loss: -5'ish. Starting to regain what I've lost thanks to Phenergan!
Sleep? Sleeping well!
Best moment this week? Surprise ultrasound! Baby looks great!
Movement:  Possibly a flutter... I wish I knew for sure!
Food cravings:  Natural Cheetos
What I miss? Not much, this has been a good week!
What I am looking forward to? Ultrasound on October 12 - we should know the gender!
Milestones: Officially in second trimester!!!!
What I'm nervous about:  Nothing this week.  Keeping calm.